A dead funny performance
by ko-writes
Summary: The host club and associates get dragged into performing a live show of the Tim Burton classic, Corpse bride - what could possibly go wrong?
1. Backstage: Ootori dressing room

In the prestigious Ouran Academy, the Host Club, their families, and a few of their associates were preparing for a performance of the Tim Burton classic, Corpse Bride; and Kyouya was cursing whatever thoughts had led him to showing the blond fool the animation, no matter how intriguing.

Mr and Mrs Ootori were also rather upset, while Tachibana was letting relief wash over him. Why was it _their_ son who had to cross-dress?

Well, Mrs Ootori wasn't very happy about her corset and the general character she was playing; but seeing Kyouya in a petticoat and corset, ready for his first appearance, was also a little unsettling… as was how feminine he actually looked with hair extensions and light makeup.

"I don't see why you're content to let Suoh bully you into crossdressing in front of all your peers, prospective partners," Mr Ootori tutted, "It's embarrassing."

"It's perfectly alright, Father," Kyouya sighed, "He didn't bully me into it at all, it was only a request."

Knew to bite their tongues at that point, and accept the mortification.

"Besides, it's not the first time I've cross-dressed for the host club," Kyouya shrugged, flabbergasting his parents.

Kyouya had worn dresses before?! In front of everyone, no less?!

Before the parents' better sense could set in, their minds got caught in an approximation of Tamaki's mind-theatre…

 _"_ _Kyouya, I want you to wear this today; no objections!" The Suoh boy ordered their son, violet locking on startled grey._

 _In the blond boy's hands was a very risqué maid's dress, complete with thigh-high socks and heels. Their son took one glance at the costume and blushed, looking away._

 _"_ _But Tamaki… They're girl's clothes," The boy sniffed, his dark eyes shining with unshed tears, "I'm a boy, I can't wear those."_

 _"_ _You could have fooled me, Kyoko," Tamaki leered, pushing the outrageous ensemble into Kyouya's arms, "You look so… pretty in a dress."_

"That's not what happened," Kyouya interrupted, irritated, "What do you think I am? A little uke in a yaoi?"

"At least I won't have to dress as a maid," Tachibana sighed, feeling quite smug that he managed to get a part that only required a butler's garb, "That would have been awkward."

"You're not feminine, nor androgynous; it would have looked ridiculous," Kyouya cut in, "We aren't exploiting cheap comedy in this club… Unless you count slap-stick."

There was a crash outside the room, followed by the scream of, "Mommy!"

Kyouya just sighed, as if it were commonplace. "That's my que," He informed, "Curtain up is in thirteen minutes, arrive backstage in five; read through your lines quickly to be sure you've memorised them, and break a leg."

"MOMMY!"

"Mommy's coming now, daddy!" He called back, not looking at his parents, "I trust you to deliver satisfactory performances."


	2. Backstage: Suoh dressing room

"I can't believe this," Shizue Suoh complained, slipping into her priestess outfit behind the screen, "I'm being blackmailed into performing in some ridiculous stage show, with a female lead played by a cross-dressing boy and my son co-starring with yet another cross-dresser - I'm worried this is becoming a theme in your club, Tamaki."

"It's a bit of fun," Yuzuru ventured, "And what do you mean cross-dresser? Mrs Fujioka is a beautiful woman, much like her daughter."

Tamaki thought it best not to tell his father, and Madame Suoh just couldn't summon the energy to try.

"It's something different," Tamaki shrugged, "And, when Kyouya's all made up, you wouldn't guess he was a boy, much like you wouldn't believe Haruhi's a girl when she's in the club room; seems our darling daughter took after her mother, in a way."

' _As in she's a complete gender fuck_ ,' He thought, not opening his mouth to let his father and grandmother know he knew language like that.

"I don't believe that for a moment," Yuzuru objected, "Kyouya doesn't look feminine at all."

Tamaki just smiled serenely, with maybe a hint of smugness, "You'll see."

"Congratulations on getting the part of Victor, though," His father continued, "I heard it was between you and Kyouya; he must be rather annoyed."

"Not at all," Tamaki waved away, "He doesn't mind wearing a dress, actually; it's not the first time."

It seemed that Tamaki had actually inherited his mind theatre from Shizue and Yuzuru...

 _"Oh, Tamaki..." Came the seductive voice of Kyouya Ootori, "I have a surprise for you~"_

 _The clueless blond bounded into the next room, following the demon's soothing voice. "Yes, mon ami?"_

 _There stood Kyouya, in a ruffled tartan skirt that barely came to mid-thigh, black thigh-highs, a leather corset and impossibly high heels; his eyes ringed with eyeliner, and his lips painted a dark red. "I've been waiting for you ~" The tempter sang, crossing the room and draping himself over the blond, "What do you think?"_

 _"K-Kyouya!" The boy almost shrieked, "Those are girl clothes! And they're far too... too..."_

 _"Too what, daddy?" The Ootori boy breathed, the rush of air on Tamaki's neck making him shiver._

 _"Th-this is wrong..." Tamaki managed to strain out as the dark haired boy wrapped a bare thigh around the other's leg –_

"Stop! Stop! It didn't happen like that!" Tamaki cried, covering his eyes and tripping over his own feet in his panic, wiping out the dressing table, "Mommy!"

"Uh, I can't get it out of my head now," Yuzuru groaned, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes; Shizue had resorted to repeatedly banging her head on the partition to try and disrupt the disturbing image.

"MOMMY!" Tamaki yelled again, louder than before.

"It won't stop," Yuzuru panicked.

"What's all the commotion, daddy?" Came a voice at the doorway, and the three Suoh's turned to see a beautiful young lady.

Yuzuru's thoughts halted as his eyes met her impossibly dark ones, her lightly mascaraed eyelashes batted delicately. Her lips were painted with dewy gloss, making them look plump and kissable, and her waist was synched with an old-fashioned corset in an off-colour white; a long petticoat covering her legs with the gossamer fabric.

He took a rose from thin air – a power all Suoh men seemed to possess – and offered it to the raven haired goddess. "My dear lady," He announced, "I assume you mean my son; but this daddy could buy you all the dresses and jewellery you could ever desire, my dear –"

"My apologies, Suoh-san; but you seem to have mistaken my identity," The girl informed.

Yuzuru squinted. She looked like an Ootori, now he thought about it; didn't Kyouya have a sister…?

"Kyouya!" Tamaki called out, "Father and grandmother think you're a pervert who's trying to trap me in a yaoi!"

Yuzuru started with a shock. _This_ was Kyouya?! The ravishing beauty was a boy?!

"Strange, my parents think you're doing the same thing," Kyouya hummed, pressing a fingertip to his shining lip, "Was it because you told them I've worn dresses before?"

Trust Kyouya to cut to the quick.

"You needn't worry," The cross-dressing boy informed the two family heads, showing them pictures of past host club events, "There's nothing dirty about it; I was just fulfilling a roll, as I'm doing today."

Satisfied that Kyouya was telling the truth – as well as marvelling at the beautifully ornate costume he had worn for the Alice in Wonderland event – they both gave a nod.

"We should be going backstage now," Kyouya informed, "I suggest reading through lines to make sure that you remember them."

And with that, he left.


	3. Backstage: Get ready!

Yoshio and Amaya Ootori were reading through their scripts backstage, slightly irked that they were being instructed to do so by their youngest son. It wasn't that they didn't think he was capable, or that he was wearing a dress, or that the Suoh boy referred to him as 'mommy'; it was just their parental pride, really.

Their attention was caught by a multitude of murmurs and wolf-whistles, noticing that Kyouya's appearance had caused a... stir of teenage hormones.

It seemed the boys backstage couldn't see that it was Kyouya in a dress, but thought it was a beautiful girl in Victorian era underwear. Tachibana almost laughed, but managed to swallow it down.

"Come on, I dare you," They heard one boy whisper to another, who nodded and crept up behind the Ootori boy.

Before Tachibana could stop him, and before Kyouya's parents knew what was happening, the boy took Kyouya's skirt and flicked it up.

Kyouya managed to hold the fabric down at the front, but a heavy blush spread over his cheeks. Spectators could almost see the Shojo anime sparkles in the background as the skirt seemed to flutter in slow motion, back into its proper place.

"... Boys underwear?" The perpetrator questioned, but everyone in the surrounding area - that weren't related to Kyouya - held hands to their bloody noses. The girls who attended the host club knew how to recognise Kyouya when he was in feminine clothes, whereas the straight boys thought he was actually a hot girl.

"One would think you'd know better that to antagonise an Ootori," Kyouya stated, turning on the boy - though it didn't help that he was still blushing, "Especially me."

"Huh?!" The boy gasped, "Y-you don't mean..."

Tachibana laid a heavy hand on the boy's shoulder, causing him to jump. "I don't think master Kyouya appreciated that," He smiled, in the same manner as Kyouya had showed him to, which made the boy faint. Tachibana just dusted his hands and nodded to Kyouya.

"Eee! Kyouya, you look so pretty!" The fangirls gushed, but Tachibana managed to hold them back, "You're such a beautiful Victoria!"

Yoshio and Amaya paled. If it weren't for Tachibana, the girls would probably have tried to tear him to pieces; but Kyouya just gave them a smile. "Thank you, dear ladies," He accepted, "If you'd like, we have photo books of today's performance and rehearsals for sale soon; I can reserve some copies for you."

His parents watched, astonished, as Kyouya noted down a flurry of orders. It seemed to be more of a profitable venture than they anticipated...

"Oh, Kyouya!" Their attention was captured by Ranka Fujioka, whom was currently sprinting up to their son with their voluminous skirt hitched up to their knees, "You look so beautiful."

"Thank you, Ranka-san," Kyouya _beamed_ , their fingers locking together as they laughed. So _this_ was Kyouya's good friend; they both thought he could have done better, "You look very beautiful, also."

"The skirt is so amazing!" Ranka gushed, "The Hitachiins made it? They aren't just pretty faces, are they?"

"I can assure you, all of our costumes are made by either Hikaru and Kaoru, or their mother," Kyouya informed, "It just adds a seal of quality."

As their son discussed fashion other such things they didn't know he knew about, they tried to re-read their lines once more; however, the Suohs' arrival diminished any small chance they had of concentrating.

"Mon ami!" Tamaki yelled, pouncing on Kyouya and wrapping his legs around his waist, "You look so beautiful! Victoria at her most radiant! And your eyes! And –"

"Alright, daddy; I'm already uncomfortable without my glasses as it is," Kyouya sighed, gently nudging the blond off him and smoothing out the creases in his petticoat.

"But, mommy, your eyes are so perfect," Tamaki insisted, "The darkness that pulls you in, yet those sweet hazel highlights; the almost feline shape –"

"Alright, alright," Kyouya interrupted, "It's almost curtain up, so stop waxing lyrical about my eyes."

Thankfully, the shock that came over the parents was soon overridden by the realisation that the play was about to start…


End file.
